Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Jim Tressel, College Football, and the Stupidest Fucking Story of the Year

So I'm listening to the radio yesterday and all the sports show guys have lowered their voices and are talking in these grave tones. Jim Tressel, the head football coach at Ohio State, has committed some grave offense. He may lose his job, and the integrity of the university is at stake.

Uh oh. Did he rape some little boys? Or did he burn a cross in a black family's lawn and then string them up from the nearest tree?

Fuck no.

He didn't report to the NCAA that some of his players exchanged their memorabilia for free tattoos.

Holy Jesus fucking shit, I thought, in those exact words. This is what these sports fucks are all concerned about?

Look, I don't give a shit about Jim Tressel. I hate Ohio State, what with their THE Ohio State University bullshit and their holier-than-thou president and his fucking bowties. I'm glad they're in trouble. I hope they don't win another game.

But it's still one of the stupidest fucking stories I've ever heard.

"Well, the rules may be wrong, but they were the rules, and he broke them." Go snort rabbit turds, Mr. Assholes-for-Eyes. When the rules are that goddamn stupid, you stop giving a fuck right then.

This whole college amateurism shit is nothing but a fucking sham, and we all know it. Amateurism is some 19th-century shit that was designed to keep the riff-raff from mixing with the blue bloods. If you needed money to compete, then you obviously weren't rich, and therefore you needed to get your ass out of that rowboat and back down in the mines or factories. Now tell me how that squares with mostly poor black kids from the ghetto.

"Well, they have a chance to get a college education that's valued at so-and-so dollars." Go chug diseased diarrhea from a funnel, Cock-Nose. You and I both know the colleges don't give two shits about these guys getting a college education. The only reason they're walking through the doors is because they can do stuff with a goddamn ball.

So some of these players wanted some tattoos. For the life of me I don't understand why you'd want a fucking tattoo, but whatever. They took some of the shit they OWN--their PERSONAL FUCKING BELONGINGS--and exchanged it for tattoos.

But this AGAINST THE RULES. You can't sell the shit YOU FUCKING OWN.

Lemme tell you: if you were some fucking violin prodigy on a music scholarship, you could sell whatever the fuck you wanted. Not only that, but some rich cocksucker could pay your whole fucking way and set you up in a Hummer and buy you platform shoes with fucking live goldfish in the heels.

But if you're an athlete, that's AGAINST THE RULES. You're VIOLATING THE SPIRIT OF AMATEURISM. Never mind that the universities and the coaching staffs are swimming in cash because of you, with endorsement deals and shoe contracts and even YOUR FUCKING DIGITAL LIKENESS in video games. Somehow that's still "amateurism."

And so it turns out that Jim Tressel is a weasel by knowing this went on and not reporting it. Well whoop-te-fucking-do. Somehow these sports writer and radio assholes thought he was some kind of saint, which as far as I can tell was because he wears glasses and sweater vests.

That's another thing: these "sports personality" assholes, who are all doing worse shit than Tressel did, like cheating on their spouses or driving drunk or cheating on their taxes or sexually harrassing people, they get all serious and high-and-mighty about this stupid violation, when THEY ALL KNOW the entire system is fucked and crooked from top to bottom--and to top it all off, it PAYS THEIR FUCKING SALARIES. If they're so outraged about Jim Tressel and his negligence in not forwarding an email to the NCAA, how about they quit their fucking job with ESPN, which just so happens to be in bed with the Big Ten and THE Ohio State University due to broadcast contracts, and go fucking flagellate themselves in some fucking monastery. Otherwise spare me your outrage and dismay, you fucks.

I mean, goddamn. Right now there are people getting shot in the head for standing up to dictators with nothing but rocks and sticks. Either tear this whole rotten fucking system down or stop giving a fuck. It's rotten and you know it. Fuck it.

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