Thursday, March 24, 2011

Quit honking at me, BITCH!

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed a rash of fucking assholes honking their horns as soon as the light changes?

It's not a new phenomenon, I know. But I was wondering if some cockasses put in the new editions of driver's ed textbooks that it was okay to do that.

And they're not just honking at me. If they were, I might start thinking I had Alzheimer's and get myself checked out. They'll honk at fucking anybody.

If some fucko is just sitting at a green light yakking away on their goddamn cellphone, then I think it's okay to give them a little toot. I mean, after you've sat there 10 seconds or so. But while I know you think you've got the reflexes of some motherfucking NASCAR driver, not everyone floors it the instant the light changes. Wait a few goddamn seconds and calm your ass down. Go get a massage or jack off or something. Christ.

I don't want to start some road rage incident. I'm nothing if not reasonable. But goddamn, those horn fucks deserve the fucking finger more than anyone. What I really want to do is drive 5 miles an hour and then make jackoff gestures to them when they find a chance to pass me a mile down the road. But cocksuckers like that, they're likely to have a fucking gun.

It all goes back to people thinking they're so much more important than everyone else. Let me remind you, shitass: YOU'RE NOT. Gotta be somewhere in a hurry? TRY LEAVING EARLIER NEXT TIME, FUCKWIPE. Oh, and while you're at it, GO DRIVE IN FRONT OF A TRAIN.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What the fuck is all this 99-cent shit about?

What is the deal with these fucking fucko writers bitching about other writers selling their shit on Amazon for 99 cents? What a bunch of arrogant cockheads.

They're saying 99 cents "devalues" writing. Let me ask you this, asstards: does that 99-cent breakfast burrito you stuffed your piehole with this morning devalue burritos? Do those ugly-ass 99-cent flip flops you wear devalue footwear? But you don't care about that, do you? Because you're a Writer, and you're so fucking Important.

You know what's important? Shoes. But you don't really much care about the miserable fucking people in Burma or wherever the fuck working in sweatshops at 1 cent a day to make those flip flops you put your big clown feet in. Because they're not Important. They're not Writers.

Don't give me any of that highminded shit about humankind's unquenchable thirst for narrative. That's abstract horseshit. You know what's not abstract horseshit? "No Shirt No Shoes No Service." Shoes are important.

Plus I'll bet a lot of you snooty poseur fucks go get your cover images from places like istockphoto. What about your fucking fellow creatives? Photographers say microstock services are devaluing photography. Do you give a fuck? I'll bet you don't. I'll bet you even write blog posts telling other Important Writers how to make covers on the cheap. I'll bet you tell them to use free fonts too. Don't fontmakers deserve to eat? Or do they just get to eat your scraps? Jesus fuck, you piss me off.

If you wrote War & Peace or you were Vladimir Fucking Nabokov, maybe you could talk about other people devaluing writing. Even then you should shut the fuck up. But at least you wouldn't be the author of Teen Ghost High School or Mommy Never Loved Me or Alien Ass-Rape putting on airs. Hey, I might actually want to read Alien Ass-Rape. But not if you're so fucking snooty.

I'll tell you when you shouldn't shut the fuck up about devaluing writing. When you make every fucking purchase in your life the same way you want your goddamn precious writing to be treated. When you make sure your flip flops don't come from sweat shops. When you make sure that fucking ereader or ipad you fondle like a clit isn't thrown away and disassembled in China where all the chemicals leak into the groundwater and babies are born with their kidneys on their foreheads. When you actually fucking make the requested contribution to the font designer whose work you slapped on your cover and then charged for it. When you don't go taking advantage of the same fucking technologies that are devaluing other creative work but then whine about the same technologies devaluing yours. Because every other person on the planet is just as important as you are--more important, if they make shoes.

Otherwise, SUCK IT.

AT&T is a piece of fucking shit

I fucking hate AT&T. Hitler had better customer service at Auschwitz.

One of the reasons I had T-Mobile was because it WASN'T AT&T.

Now I'm fucked. Asshole Telephone & Telegraph is going to swallow up a company that had better service just so they can continue their shitty ravenous ways.

I'm going to have to switch providers. I can't stomach paying those AT&T assholes.

I wish regulators would tell AT&T to go fuck themselves. They ought to. But they won't. They serve their motherfucking corporate overlords. 

Fuck you.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Turn Off Your Fucking Phones in the Fucking Movie Theater, Assholes

You know, if I was going to see some fucking teen movie on a Friday night, then I'd figure it'd be anything goes: kids constantly coming in and out, smoking pot, fucking in the aisles--and of course their smartphones on the whole goddamn time.

But when I go to see THE KING'S FUCKING SPEECH, in what's supposed to be an ART-HOUSE THEATER, I expect people to be a little more behaved.

Not that they were constantly coming in and out, smoking pot, and fucking in the aisles. 


Two college-age chicks in the row ahead of me had to check their goddamn phones every 15 minutes.

Some broad who was 15, maybe 20 years older than me had her phone going off  in her purse every ten minutes until she finally turned it off. It wasn't ringing. It was buzzing. Like that's somehow okay.


When I go to a theater, I want to be immersed in the fucking movie. Apparently that makes me some kind of weirdo. Everyone else would rather watch the movie while they're on their FUCKING PHONE. Just like they do at home. Or when they're fucking DRIVING.

Here's what it looks like in a movie theater when you have your GODDAMN FUCKING SMART PHONE on, assholes:

There are some people who just don't care. They'll keep their phone on the whole fucking movie, and laugh at you if you say anything. You can't do anything about these people. I wish we could ship them all off to some island so they could fight it out with sticks and coconuts, but that's probably not in the cards.

But then there are the people who supposedly care, who at times at least claim to be aware that there are other people in the universe beside themselves. These people know they shouldn't be using their smartphone in a theater, but they also always have some goddamn excuse:
  1. Your friends changed the meet-up place after the movie: You can check where to meet AFTER the movie, asshole. This is not pertinent information WHILE YOU'RE STILL WATCHING THE MOVIE.
  2. Your mom has fallen, and she can't get up: Jesus Fucking Christ. Your mom can get one of those things to hang around her neck to call the ambulance when that happens. And come to think of it, if she can call you, why can't she call FUCKING 911?
  3. Your kids have started a fire in the house: Your kids are that fucking dumb? Then stay the fuck home. What the hell are you doing in a movie theater when you have miscreant arsonist kids at home? And come to think of it, if they can call you, why can't they call FUCKING 911?
  4. "I'm waiting for an important call! It's part of my job! I'm on call 24/7, and if I don't respond, I'll be fired!" Go fuck yourself. If you really have some miserable-ass fucking job that requires you take every fucking every call every minute of the day, then STAY THE FUCK HOME. It's not like they don't have movies there. You can go to the Red Box. You can order pay-per-view. Hell, Netflix will even put movies in YOUR FUCKING MAILBOX. Your fucking job doesn't entitle you to RUIN MY MOVIE EXPERIENCE.
  5. "Justin Bieber was just on TV!!!": FUCK YOU!!!
Think about the MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of fucking people who somehow managed to sit through a fucking movie without a phone for the ENTIRE 20TH CENTURY. Sure, for a while, they could smoke instead. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT, YOU ASSHOLE.

I sat there thinking how the size of the screen to my eye was probably about the same as my 42-inch screen was to my eye from my couch at home. I have surround sound, and for the most part the experience is just as good at home, except that the popcorn I make at home doesn't have that little bit of crack or PCP in it that movie theater popcorn does to make it taste so good. 

But I'd rather go to the movie theater and have a shared experience.

A shared experience means laughing with everyone. Maybe getting a little choked up with everybody else in the theater, like when Spock died. Encouraging Rocky to kick Clubber Lang's ass. Sometimes it all goes wrong, like when I went to see Forrest Gump and all these adult, even middle-aged dudes were crying in the bathroom afterward and saying it was the best movie EVER, and I thought I must be having a nightmare or something, because that movie was a PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. But I digress. 

A shared experience does require tolerating your fellow humans a bit. They might have to walk past you to piss. They might fart. They might make a little crinkly-crinkly noise when they're opening their lozenges to keep from coughing through the movie. Not a big deal.

The flip side of tolerance for your fellow human, though, is showing some FUCKING RESPECT for your fellow human. What's that, you say? That it's kind of ironic that someone who calls people FUCKING ASSHOLES would be talking about respecting others? Well, here's the deal, fuckface: it's not ironic at all. You deserve respect up until the point that you demonstrate that you don't. And it's that point that you deserve a big loud FUCK YOU, rather than what most people do, which is sit around like a bunch of ninnies who don't want to "rock the boat."

So if you want respect, keep your fucking interruptions and distractions to a minimum when you're in a theater. If you gotta pee, fine, get up once, but if you're incontinent, wear some damn diapers or stay home. Don't kick the chair in front of you. If you have candy or lozenges, get it out the package and quit making crinkly-crinkly noises all movie long. If you can't quit coughing, LEAVE. For fuck's sake, SHUT THE FUCK UP. And TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING PHONE.