Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Jim Tressel, College Football, and the Stupidest Fucking Story of the Year

So I'm listening to the radio yesterday and all the sports show guys have lowered their voices and are talking in these grave tones. Jim Tressel, the head football coach at Ohio State, has committed some grave offense. He may lose his job, and the integrity of the university is at stake.

Uh oh. Did he rape some little boys? Or did he burn a cross in a black family's lawn and then string them up from the nearest tree?

Fuck no.

He didn't report to the NCAA that some of his players exchanged their memorabilia for free tattoos.

Holy Jesus fucking shit, I thought, in those exact words. This is what these sports fucks are all concerned about?

Look, I don't give a shit about Jim Tressel. I hate Ohio State, what with their THE Ohio State University bullshit and their holier-than-thou president and his fucking bowties. I'm glad they're in trouble. I hope they don't win another game.

But it's still one of the stupidest fucking stories I've ever heard.

"Well, the rules may be wrong, but they were the rules, and he broke them." Go snort rabbit turds, Mr. Assholes-for-Eyes. When the rules are that goddamn stupid, you stop giving a fuck right then.

This whole college amateurism shit is nothing but a fucking sham, and we all know it. Amateurism is some 19th-century shit that was designed to keep the riff-raff from mixing with the blue bloods. If you needed money to compete, then you obviously weren't rich, and therefore you needed to get your ass out of that rowboat and back down in the mines or factories. Now tell me how that squares with mostly poor black kids from the ghetto.

"Well, they have a chance to get a college education that's valued at so-and-so dollars." Go chug diseased diarrhea from a funnel, Cock-Nose. You and I both know the colleges don't give two shits about these guys getting a college education. The only reason they're walking through the doors is because they can do stuff with a goddamn ball.

So some of these players wanted some tattoos. For the life of me I don't understand why you'd want a fucking tattoo, but whatever. They took some of the shit they OWN--their PERSONAL FUCKING BELONGINGS--and exchanged it for tattoos.

But this AGAINST THE RULES. You can't sell the shit YOU FUCKING OWN.

Lemme tell you: if you were some fucking violin prodigy on a music scholarship, you could sell whatever the fuck you wanted. Not only that, but some rich cocksucker could pay your whole fucking way and set you up in a Hummer and buy you platform shoes with fucking live goldfish in the heels.

But if you're an athlete, that's AGAINST THE RULES. You're VIOLATING THE SPIRIT OF AMATEURISM. Never mind that the universities and the coaching staffs are swimming in cash because of you, with endorsement deals and shoe contracts and even YOUR FUCKING DIGITAL LIKENESS in video games. Somehow that's still "amateurism."

And so it turns out that Jim Tressel is a weasel by knowing this went on and not reporting it. Well whoop-te-fucking-do. Somehow these sports writer and radio assholes thought he was some kind of saint, which as far as I can tell was because he wears glasses and sweater vests.

That's another thing: these "sports personality" assholes, who are all doing worse shit than Tressel did, like cheating on their spouses or driving drunk or cheating on their taxes or sexually harrassing people, they get all serious and high-and-mighty about this stupid violation, when THEY ALL KNOW the entire system is fucked and crooked from top to bottom--and to top it all off, it PAYS THEIR FUCKING SALARIES. If they're so outraged about Jim Tressel and his negligence in not forwarding an email to the NCAA, how about they quit their fucking job with ESPN, which just so happens to be in bed with the Big Ten and THE Ohio State University due to broadcast contracts, and go fucking flagellate themselves in some fucking monastery. Otherwise spare me your outrage and dismay, you fucks.

I mean, goddamn. Right now there are people getting shot in the head for standing up to dictators with nothing but rocks and sticks. Either tear this whole rotten fucking system down or stop giving a fuck. It's rotten and you know it. Fuck it.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Get Your Class War On

So there's this fucking asshole named Rand Paul who got himself elected senator from Kentucky. He fancies himself an intellectual, but in committee meetings he recycles arguments about low-flow toilets that were favorite topics of community-college forensics competitions in 1998.

Paul's also been going around to shows like Letterman and The Daily Show blathering about how the top 50% of earners pay 96% of the income taxes. Conservatives love touting that statistic; in part it's used as an argument for cutting taxes for the top earners, and it part it's used to stir up resentment for the bottom 50% who aren't paying taxes (but of course driving Cadillacs and buying steaks with their food stamps).

Now the thing is, it's true that the top earners have been paying a higher and higher percentage of the income taxes in the past several decades. Here's a handy graphic from some fucking conservative site.

Check out the dark blue. That's the top 1% of earners. Their share of total income taxes paid have risen to 30 fucking percent. The top 5% of earners pay 50% of the taxes. 

And look at those red fuckers. They ain't payin' nuthin'. Bunch of fucking freeloaders! The orange dudes aren't a whole lot better, for that matter. Time they pay their fair share, right?

After all, if we take money away from the rich, that's just less money for us, right? Because it all trickles down. You remember trickle down, don't you? Rich people spend their money on jobs, like for people to work in their factories or clean the toilets in their yachts or jack them off by the pool while they sip cocktails and read The Wall Street Journal


You get a good look at that? Here it is again:

If you're too fucking stupid to read a graph, what it says is that since 1979 the top 1% of income earners have been getting more and more cash, while the other 99% have been getting ass-raped.

"Duhhhh, I don't care what other people make," you say. Get your thumb out of your ass and jump out the nearest window, you fucktard.

They pissed all over us, that's for sure, but that's not the kind of trickle down they were promising.

"So what?" you say. "So they made a lot of money. Why should we take it away from them?" Okay, you know what, I was about to reply, "Eat shit and die," but then I thought it about it a second, and I thought, okay, maybe that's a decent argument. Let's go with the idea that those top earners have earned the right to roll around in mountains of gold doubloons like Scrooge McDuck. Okay.

The problem, asshole, is that they don't want to just keep their mountains of gold. 

They want to take MORE from YOU, to wring out every last cent they can.

They want to cut your Social Security. They want to gut Medicare and Medicaid. That fuckface Paul Ryan wants to abolish Medicare AND cut upper-income taxes. They want to erase any healthcare reforms so the insurance companies can dump your preexisting-conditioned ass in order to "ensure healthy profits." They want you to swallow and accept wage cuts because "we all have to make sacrifices." 

The nerve of these vile cocksuckers to tell you to pay more because their earnings have gone up and yours haven't. That's hucksterism at it's very worst. These people are worse than every fucking snake oil salesman who ever lived. The slimiest used car salesman, the crookedest carny, have more integrity than pseudointellectual Rand Paul and the motherfucking assholes who try to pull this argument on you.

And here's one more chart just for good measure. It shows how burdensome taxes are to the fucking wealthy in this country.

From the authors:

That’s a line for every year from 1913 onward, sized and colored by the tax burden: the amount of tax due relative to the long-term average at each income level. Above-average burdens appear thick and red and below-average thin and blue.

Well, whaddyaknow. The fucking tax burden on the wealthy is at a historic LOW.

They aren't sacrificing FUCKING SHIT. They are rolling in their mountains of gold.

But rich motherfuckers like that cocksucking shitass Rand Paul, the guy who takes such enormous shits that he has to flush his toilet 10 times to get it all down, will smile and tell you it's right and just.

"You want some trickle down?" Sen. Paul will say. "Get on your knees and I'll piss all over you."

And he will, too. He's doing it right now. They all are. And then they'll laugh about it all the way to the bank.

They don't want you to think about it. They want you to be scared. They want you to worry about how the black man is GONNA GET YOU, and the gay person is GONNA GET YOU, and the Muslim person is GONNA GET YOU. When all the while it's the rich greedy cocksuckers who are robbing you blind.

Just remember this:

Take a look at that and tell me if it's right and just to cut your Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid and income and healthcare. Tell me where the fucking trickle down is.

They have no answer for that. Oh, they might shit out of their mouths about "global market forces" that are beyond our control. In other words, it's "natural" that they're getting richer and richer and you're getting poorer and poorer. It's "the way it was meant to be."

Funny how the people making that argument are always the ones on top.

Their latest line is about "tough sacrifices." But their idea of a tough sacrifice is when the king has to walk up to the edge of the volcano to toss your sorry ass in it. There's no shared sacrifice. None. Zero. And you don't dare raise their taxes. No! Think how that will affect the economy. It's okay to gut Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid and public education and everything else. It's okay to fuck you up the ass with a baseball bat wrapped with barbwire. But if you raise their taxes, they'll have less money, and therefore they'll spend less, and less will trickle down.

Hmm. How much of it was trickling down again?

Oh yeah. That's right. None of it.




It's way past time to GET YOUR CLASS WAR ON, MOTHERFUCKERS. They've been waging war against you for 30 FUCKING YEARS.