Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Get your fat ass up those stairs.

I don't know about where you are, but where I am, there are fat people everywhere.

I ain't talking about just overweight. It's true we have body image problems in this country. If you haven't figured it out yet, you can't look like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model without being on the Cigarette & Tic Tac Diet and having some geek Photoshop 20 more pounds off you. We have a very fucked-up view about what's actually normal.

No, I'm talking about fucking whales. I'm talking about brontosauruses. You think the brontosaurus never existed? Come take a look around where I live. These are people who are running up the price of cotton worldwide because we can't grow enough to make clothes to cover their obscene fatness.

Look, I'm no doctor. I'm sure that in some cases medical conditions are responsible for people having a two-foot-deep exoskeleton of blubber. But I'm also pretty sure that some people have that because they're stuffing their pieholes with Ding Dongs while watching Jersey Shore.

Fat is not a lifestyle. That kind of fat is unhealthy. It's gross. I shouldn't have to accommodate your fatness. I was in a Mexican restaurant recently, and a woman was so fat she had to squeeze to get through the very generous entrance to the restrooms. She's probably the kind who would think about suing the owner so he would make a bigger entrance. Pretty soon they'll be petitioning Congress to pass The People Who Are Fucking Fatasses Act, and make everyone build doors that are five feet wider.

I'm glad people get kicked off planes for being too fat. It should happen more often. I shouldn't have to deal with your blubber spilling over into my seat. I don't see how that's your right. You should get your ass off the plane, and fucking walk. Walk 500 miles, and you might have lost enough to fly on the way back.

But maybe the thing that really gets me are stairs. Look, I know some people have disabilities that are no fault of their own. I know some people are 90 years old. But everyone else can climb one fucking flight of stairs. I'm guessing they could climb three or four. But one is definitely possible.

And yet perfectly healthy people, people who are not yet fat but will be, can't be bothered to climb a single fucking flight of stairs. I'm pretty sure some of them think they're important. Stairs are for proles, or some shit like that. But others are just fucking lazy.

So here's my suggestion of the day: get your fucking ass up those stairs. Do it today, and tomorrow it will get easier. In fact you might even start enjoying it. A few flights of stairs isn't going to kill your knees. It'll help your heart. It'll burn a few calories. It'll buy you a little time. In the meantime, those assholes who have to take the elevator up one flight, who are stuffing their faces with a cupcake as they drag their big butts on the elevator to go up one flight, will pack on the pounds day after day, day after day, until they can barely walk, and some of them will even qualify for those scooter things, and their insurance will fucking pay for it too, all because they're fucking fatties, and you might just live long enough to see some of them floating around on those flying fat-seat things in Wall-E. But I guarantee that if you keep going up those stairs, you'll see those whales drop off one by one, one by one. Your ticker can't take that much grease, man. It just can't. You'll survive. They won't.

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