Lauren Green, Dan Gainor, and All the Fucking Evil Retards Who Watch and Work At Fox News

I just watched Lauren Green's interview with Reza Aslan. Then I read Dan Gainor's defense of her. Then I went over to Amazon and looked at the "reviews" of Aslan's book.

And HOLY SHIT.

I guess the first thing I should say is that maybe Aslan was a damn idiot for going on that channel in the first place. I don't know what he was thinking.

Because everybody who works for that channel is a FUCKING EVIL RETARD. I don't really know a better way to put it. A FUCKING EVIL RETARD. And except for maybe some little old ladies who are actually really nice people but are scared and alone and are thus easy targets for the FUCKING EVIL RETARDS who work at Fox News, everyone who WATCHES Fox News is a FUCKING EVIL RETARD too.

First of all, Republican Christians love to write about Muslims. They love to write about Democrats. White people love to write about black people.

But when a Muslim writes about Christians, or a black person writes about whites, or a Democrat writes about Republicans, well then, WHOA, NELLY!!! THAT'S BIASED!!!

It's kind of like how these same asshole retards think of food: Chinese people eat Chinese food, Indians eat Indian food, and white people eat "normal" food.

Here's a clue for you FUCKING EVIL RETARDS. Everyone is biased. Muslims are biased. Black people are biased. Democrats are biased. AND SO ARE YOU, WHITEY.

That doesn't mean, however, that you can't write scholarly academic works about things that you're not. I mean, none of us are fucking ancient Romans, so then how the fuck, according to your bullshit ideas, could anyone write about ancient Rome without some agenda? You descended from Gauls or Britons or some shit like that, so obviously YOU MUST HATE ROME, according to your thinking.

That's bullshit. That's retarded.

Notice how the so-called geniuses who get on that channel touting their books about how the Muslims and blacks are GONNA GET YOU are never challenged on the basis of being Christian honkeys. If you're going to get down in Aslan's ass about being a Muslim, then shouldn't you work over the Christians who write about Muslims?

Of course not. Because Chinese people eat Chinese food, and whitey eats normal food.

Now your FUCKING EVIL RETARDS who watch Fox News may not know better, because they're DUMBER THAN A FUCKING BAG OF HAMMERS. But the FUCKING EVIL RETARDS who WORK AT Fox (well, most of them) definitely DO KNOW. And that's what makes them even MORE EVIL than the dummies who watch. The whole reason they get up in the morning is to fan the flames of hatred and ignorance.

Second of all, just because you believe in some bullshit hocus pocus with all your heart doesn't mean that it's true. In fact, I'm here to tell you that it's NOT true.

Jesus did not die on the cross and come back to life.

Jesus did not bring other people back from the dead.

Jesus did not turn the water into wine, or walk on the water, or any of that other bullshit.

Also, Mohammed didn't do any of the magical horseshit people say he did. That rock in Mecca that everyone runs around 10 times or whatever is just some dumb meteorite.

And Moses didn't go up on any fucking mountain and talk to fucking God and get some rocks from him with shit written on them.

NONE OF THAT STUFF REALLY HAPPENED.

It's fine with me if you want to believe it. I don't care. Be a dumbass. BUT LEAVE OTHER PEOPLE THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT THE BULLSHIT MAGICAL SHIT YOU BELIEVE.

I got nothing else to say, other than FUCK YOU.

Hugh Howey and the Fucking Online PC Taliban

So this Hugh Howey author dude writes a post about how this woman annoyed him at a conference. In the post he called her a bitch, and the whole Internet went nuts condemning him for it.

Jesus Christ, you people are worse than a bunch of fucking Southern Baptists.

You're worse than the fucking Puritans. I'll bet half of you were busy making scarlet letters to make Howey wear around his goddamn neck.

It was like the Internet had turned into my mom. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. TSK, TSK. TSK TSK.

GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

Save your outrage for people who want to feed the Jews into ovens and shit like that. Your TSK, TSKING is fucking appalling.

He didn't name the woman. How do you know she wasn't a bitch? She sure sounded like a bitch. But OH NO, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD, say the motherfucking word police. Christ, it's like the people who  say "she passed" instead of "she died." YO, SHE DEAD, BITCHES.

"Bitch" is so NOT like the N word. It's not a racial slur. It's behavior-based. Yeah, it tends to be applied to women, but not always. For instance, you're all my motherfucking bitches for your ridiculous behavior, whether you're a dude or lady or whateverz. Dickhead is usually a term for the dudes. So is prick. We're really going to get into whether one word is worse than the other? WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP USING THAT FILTHY LANGUAGE ALTOGETHER? Hey, fuck you, Mom!

There are lot of bitches in the world. A lot of bastards too. A lot of shitasses, a lot of motherfuckers, a lot of cocksuckers. Oh no, can I not say "cocksucker" anymore? That offends the lads and ladies who like to suck cock? What about the people who really like assholes? What about the people who like to fuck their moms? Don't they have feelings too?

The worst thing is, YOU motherfuckers like to go around telling other people how they're small-minded and intolerant. Usually, those people ARE small-minded and intolerant, and they need to stop fucking being that way, or at least leave other people the hell alone.  "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE BAD WORDS OR THOSE BOOBIES ON TV, YOU CAN JUST TURN IT OFF. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SCAT PORN, DON'T CLICK THAT LINK." Isn't that what you say?

So where do you get off turning into the goddamn language police? NO, NO, SAY DOUBLE PLUS UNGOOD PERSON. You really want a world where people eat turds live on the Internet, but no one can call a bitch a bitch?

THAT'S DIFFERENT. EATING TURDS LIVE ON THE INTERNET DOESN'T HURT ANYONE. BUT THAT NAME HURT THAT WOMAN.

Oh. So it was hurtful. Does that mean that not only could he not call her a bitch, but he should have avoided any kind of account that might have upset that woman in the least little way? Is that really what you're saying?

The fucking outrage was so bad Howey even took down his post. So congratulations! Your PC crowdsourced filtering accomplished its mission. And what was even more appalling were the comments on his apology. YOU SOUND SINCERE, BUT WE'RE WATCHING YOU FROM NOW ON.

Fuck.

And also, shit. Bitch. Bastard. Goddamn. Cock. Cunt. Motherfucker. Cockass. Shitass. Dickhead. Jesus H Fucking Christ.

Oh, and FUCK YOU.

Pope Benedict, Boy Scouts deserve the same rage you have for Paterno and Penn State

Look, this Penn State makes me sick. But a lot of you people foaming at the mouth are a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

I hope this Sandusky guy goes to prison and some real sickos in there skin him alive or something. Cut him up piece by piece, maybe make him eat himself like the way Hannibal did to that guy in that fucking godawful Silence of the Lambs sequel. I hope everybody else involved with this gets what they deserve. People are right to be sick and enraged at how this was allowed to occur.

But how many of you fuckers with pitchforks and torches are Catholic?

Here's what I've been seeing all day:

"How could JoePa/that grad ass/other PSU people see/hear about something like this and not go to the police?"

Well, ask Joseph Fucking Ratzinger and a bunch of those other fuckers with funny hats.

Your goddamn "infallible" pope did the EXACT SAME THING that Joe Paterno and these other Penn State officials did. And it wasn't just one perv he covered up for, either--it was THOUSANDS of pervs. Yeah, I know he said he was sorry (like Joe Paterno) and made it so that child sex abuse was an automatic ticket to hell, but his involvement in obstructing justice is well documented.

So if you're all angry and frothing and shit about Penn State, and then you go to fucking Catholic Church on Sunday and genuflect and make the sign of the cross and all that shit, then you're a goddamn hypocrite. And frankly, when it comes down to it, I don't know if you're much better than Joe Paterno, because you've allowed these church officials who obstructed justice to remain in place. CHILD RAPE ENABLERS RUN YOUR CHURCH.

Don't feed me that shit about the Church is sacred and the people flawed. What a load of horseshit. Get that flawed fucker out of the Vatican and put in someone a little less flawed--someone who, I don't know, didn't keep information about child rape from law enforcement. I mean, Christ, that's a no-brainer. And yet there he is, Pope Benedict, saying Midnight Mass and making you kiss his fucking ring.

And it isn't just Catholics. Too many other people, Protestant or Jewish or whatever think Pope Benedict deserves respect. He doesn't. Not any more than those Penn State officials. If the number of offenses matter, he deserves even less. Whatever hell you have reserved for them, he should be there too.

What's more, everyone ought to demand that the Boy Scouts of America be run out of every school and place they meet until they make public documents that chronicle thousands of molestation incidents over decades. Just like the goddamn Catholic Church, the goddamn Boy Scouts of America have no business making moral pronouncements about a fucking thing.

You are ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHT to be pissed off about what happened at Penn State. But there are a lot of other people out there who did the exact same thing, and they deserve your fucking rage as well.

Shut the fuck up, seatwarmers

So if you get to eat bologna instead of digging in the fucking dirt for a grain of rice, you don't have a right to protest?

As long as you can find one person in the world who has it worse than you, you should be thankful and shut up?

FUCK YOU.

Let me explain something to you, you piece of shit.

Those goddamn motherfucking oligarchs on Wall Street built a ponzi scheme with the economy, and when it all came crashing down, WE all bailed them out to the tune of TRILLIONS and TRILLIONS of dollars. They whined and bitched at the slightest hint of reducing their salaries, and their butt boys in Congress dutifully backed them up.

In the meantime, while stock brokers kept piling up the bonuses, auto workers took huge paycuts.

State workers and teachers took huge paycuts.

A ton of other people just got laid off. Or lost their homes. Or got laid off AND lost their homes.

And now the Republican butt boys are set to gut Medicare and Social Security so these criminal oligarch fucks can keep the party rolling along for themselves. Everyone has to sacrifice--except the highest earners.

But the Occupy Wall Street people are just spoiled, you say. No one is supposed to mind, no one is supposed to say anything, so long as you're scraping by and still breathing.

When we're reduced to living like the Somalians, or black Sudanese, or Bangladeshi, or North Koreans, THEN we can bitch, huh?

FUCK YOU. EAT SHIT AND DIE.

Get over yourselves, writer douchebags.

So you're a writer.

We'll, whoop-te-fucking-do.

I know, I know. Nobody understands you. And you feel things so much more deeply than everyone else. You're always daydreaming, always thinking up your next story.

Unlike the person at the cash register. Unlike the guy working on your car. Unlike the person teaching your kids.

You're special.

The fuck you are.

You might have a skill that some other people don't. You know what? They have their own skills. I don't know why you think your skills are so superior. Because you're in such demand? The fuck you are. If you're Stephen King, your skills are in demand. Otherwise, your shit is going to end up in one of those discount book stores in those sad little outlet malls on the side of the interstate, right next to the Nike outlet. And the Nike outlet will be selling a lot more socks than the bookstore will be of your book, even if your book is 3-4 dollars less than the socks. And that's if you're lucky.

I don't know how we got on this kick about writers being rock stars. You know who are rock stars? Rock stars.

I think some of it is leftover from the days when people actually gave a shit when a book came out. People used to line up to get the latest Hemingway, back when people didn't have TV and X-Box. Now it's news when three people publish a book: Stephen King, Dan Brown, and J.K. Rowling. Oh, and rock stars.

Maybe some of it is because of the Internet, where you can now be in a big circle jerk with other writers and pretend that no one in the world gives a shit about anything or anyone but writing and writers.

And even if you are in demand, how much are you making on your book? Five grand? Holy shit, you'd be doing better at Wal-Mart. I've seen some shit from people who've been on the New York Times bestseller list, who've made a lot more than five grand on their book, but after all their expenses they're still left with maybe 20 grand, if they're lucky. That's sad, dude. That's barely scraping by.

But you resent the hell out of that, don't you? In your world, you'd be paid what your writing is worth. Well, here's the deal, smart guy: you're getting paid what your writing is worth right now. You can bitch all you want about how your werewolf book is worth more than $.99 on Kindle. Go ahead: bitch. You know who ain't bitching? Your auto mechanic. You want your fucking car fixed, you'll pay what he asks. Or get the fuck out of his shop.

And please don't give me that shit about mankind's eternal thirst for narrative. Mankind may have a thirst, but there are a million watering holes just like yours. There's no shortage of material for thirst-quenching.

Oh, but wait. You don't care about recompense. No, you are ze fucking artiste! You suffer for your goddamn werewolf romance Art. Well, good for you! Now take your head out of your ass.

I'm serious. You have your head so far up your ass you can't write about anything other than the inside of your own rectum. You're so in love with the idea of yourself as a writer that you can't write about anything that anyone gives a shit about. I mean, who cares about you? You sit around in front of a computer all day. That's boring as shit to read about. Other people actually do stuff. Step outside yourself, quit worrying about being Mr. Fancy Writer Cockass, and write about them. If you really have skills, congratulations. Now shut up and put your skills to use. Be a voice for the voiceless. You remember Barton Fink, right? That's you. The guy next door has some good stories. He has something in the box. You don't have shit.

Get your fat ass up those stairs.

I don't know about where you are, but where I am, there are fat people everywhere.

I ain't talking about just overweight. It's true we have body image problems in this country. If you haven't figured it out yet, you can't look like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model without being on the Cigarette & Tic Tac Diet and having some geek Photoshop 20 more pounds off you. We have a very fucked-up view about what's actually normal.

No, I'm talking about fucking whales. I'm talking about brontosauruses. You think the brontosaurus never existed? Come take a look around where I live. These are people who are running up the price of cotton worldwide because we can't grow enough to make clothes to cover their obscene fatness.

Look, I'm no doctor. I'm sure that in some cases medical conditions are responsible for people having a two-foot-deep exoskeleton of blubber. But I'm also pretty sure that some people have that because they're stuffing their pieholes with Ding Dongs while watching Jersey Shore.

Fat is not a lifestyle. That kind of fat is unhealthy. It's gross. I shouldn't have to accommodate your fatness. I was in a Mexican restaurant recently, and a woman was so fat she had to squeeze to get through the very generous entrance to the restrooms. She's probably the kind who would think about suing the owner so he would make a bigger entrance. Pretty soon they'll be petitioning Congress to pass The People Who Are Fucking Fatasses Act, and make everyone build doors that are five feet wider.

I'm glad people get kicked off planes for being too fat. It should happen more often. I shouldn't have to deal with your blubber spilling over into my seat. I don't see how that's your right. You should get your ass off the plane, and fucking walk. Walk 500 miles, and you might have lost enough to fly on the way back.

But maybe the thing that really gets me are stairs. Look, I know some people have disabilities that are no fault of their own. I know some people are 90 years old. But everyone else can climb one fucking flight of stairs. I'm guessing they could climb three or four. But one is definitely possible.

And yet perfectly healthy people, people who are not yet fat but will be, can't be bothered to climb a single fucking flight of stairs. I'm pretty sure some of them think they're important. Stairs are for proles, or some shit like that. But others are just fucking lazy.

So here's my suggestion of the day: get your fucking ass up those stairs. Do it today, and tomorrow it will get easier. In fact you might even start enjoying it. A few flights of stairs isn't going to kill your knees. It'll help your heart. It'll burn a few calories. It'll buy you a little time. In the meantime, those assholes who have to take the elevator up one flight, who are stuffing their faces with a cupcake as they drag their big butts on the elevator to go up one flight, will pack on the pounds day after day, day after day, until they can barely walk, and some of them will even qualify for those scooter things, and their insurance will fucking pay for it too, all because they're fucking fatties, and you might just live long enough to see some of them floating around on those flying fat-seat things in Wall-E. But I guarantee that if you keep going up those stairs, you'll see those whales drop off one by one, one by one. Your ticker can't take that much grease, man. It just can't. You'll survive. They won't.

It is just fine to be happy we killed Osama bin Laden.

So I've been reading and watching some fucking people on TV and Facebook and elsewhere wringing their goddamn hands and shaking their finger at people for being glad that we killed that motherfucker Osama bin Laden.

Look, if you're really trying to live the Christian life and forgive people for their heinous acts, then my hat's off to you. I mean that sincerely. You're a better person than I am. Maybe the world would be a much better place if we could all follow that example. And I've got no problem with you promoting that kind of attitude. But at this moment, regarding Osama bin Laden, please just leave everyone else the fuck alone.

If you've got a beef with our foreign policy, that's okay by me. You're more than justified, in my opinion. We've done all kinds of fucked up things. You're fucking right to complain and demand we improve.

But let me tell you about this fucker bin Laden. Supposedly he first got pissed off at us when the Soviets left Afghanistan, and we closed up shop and told everyone to go fuck themselves. And you know, it's understandable to be pissed about that. But then he got really mad when the Saudis asked us to come save them from Saddam Hussein. He went apeshit over the idea over our Christian/Jewish/atheist/Trekkie feet touching his sacred fucking Saudi sand. So in revenge for that, he decided it would be a good idea to take planes full of innocent people and fly them into buildings full of innocent people.

See, you do shit like that, you have forfeited whatever argument you had. Because while we have done shitty things, while there have been numerous instances when the United States should have been more thoughtful about the innocent lives we fuck with all the time, our goal is not to go around blowing up innocent people. It just isn't. We don't delight in that, like he did. When things get fucked up, like My Lai and shit like that, we get upset and do what we can to fix it and do better next time. We don't throw a fucking party.

So imagine you're a nine-year-old kid, and you wake up one morning, and you see videos of big planes flying into big buildings. You always liked planes, and you always liked big buildings. You read about the Twin Towers in New York City and wanted to go to the top of those one day. You had a great time when you got on a plane to see Grandma or Uncle Joe or whoever the fuck. But then you see those planes blow up and the buildings fall down, and suddenly you're scared as shit, and everyone around you is scared as shit. And you don't even know anyone who got blown up or killed, but even so your life has fucking changed. For a long time everyone talks about chemicals and biological weapons and nuclear bombs, and you don't know if you're going to wake up one morning and see a mushroom cloud or your mom covered with smallpox. And you have to go through all this shit at the airport, and every time you get on a plane you hope it isn't getting flown into a building. And moms and dads of your friends are going off to war, and you hear grownups arguing all the time, and they're always talking about scary shit all the time on TV.

If that was you, and ten years later, when you're in college, our guys finally find the motherfucker responsible for it all and blow off half his fucking head, then that is a really good day. You've been living with that shit for a long-ass time, and now that evil motherfucker is dead as dreams. So maybe you get a little excited and go outside and shout about it for a few minutes.

Some of you fuckers might say, well, some of those poor kids in the Middle East and elsewhere live with that same kind of fear all the time, and a lot of times it's the U.S. or our equipment that's doing the blowing up, and maybe our goal isn't to blow up innocent people but they get blown up all the same. And I say, yeah, I get that. And Screedster has major issues with U.S. foreign policy. But going outside and blowing off some steam for a few minutes because an evil mass murderer is dead is different than deciding you need to go blow up some other innocent fuckers. It just is. I'll cut innocent people a lot of slack for being pissed at being on the business end of our foreign policy--up until the point they start blowing up innocents.

And then maybe you say, but violence just begets violence, and it's this endless cycle that only ends in death. Look, I don't know the details of everything that went down, but I'm pretty sure if we'd run into bin Laden in line at McDonalds, we probably wouldn't have blasted his head off right then. Maybe we would have attempted to subdue him and bring him in alive. But you couldn't send some local beat cops to cuff bin Laden. You had to send in Seals, because they're the only fucking guys who had a chance of going into his compound and taking out that bastard. And Seals don't fuck around. They're in a room with this asshole, and they don't know what he's got planned, whether the whole place is wired to blow or what the fuck. Someone who is presumably such a fucking mastermind would have some kind of tricks up his sleeve, like the Joker's electrocuting joybuzzer, or shit like that. You've already fought and killed some other fuckers just to get in the same room with him, and he makes the slightest fucking weird-ass move, and it's pop, pop, there goes part of your head, asshole.

And that's more or less the same thing that would happen if the cops went to bust some serial killer. Didn't you see Silence of the Lambs? Because that's really what bin Laden was: a serial killer, but one with enough charisma to make some other miserable fucks go blow themselves up so he could get off. The Islam stuff, his beefs with the United States, that was all just an excuse to kill people. That was his Catcher in the Rye. Because to fly planes into buildings or tell other people to, to think that it's a good idea to blow up innocent thousands and make countless others miserable, you have to be sick in the head. Like John Wayne Gacy or the guy in Lambs making the woman suit. "It puts the lotion in the basket!" Just like that. If you can subdue those guys, great. But one fucking wrong move, motherfucker, and pow.

So please fucking spare me your goddamn righteous indignation. This guy was a major-league mass-murdering asshole. Outside of Hitler and Stalin and maybe a couple of other guys, he was a contender for All-Time Mass-Murdering Asshole. We lived with the threat of this guy for over ten years. It's okay to be happy he's dead.

P.S. And quit being a shitass about giving Obama or Bush credit for getting bin Laden. Bush went after him, would have gotten him if he could have. Obama kept after him and got him. It doesn't matter what you think about either of them otherwise. Grow the fuck up.