Turn Off Your Fucking Phones in the Fucking Movie Theater, Assholes

You know, if I was going to see some fucking teen movie on a Friday night, then I'd figure it'd be anything goes: kids constantly coming in and out, smoking pot, fucking in the aisles--and of course their smartphones on the whole goddamn time.

But when I go to see THE KING'S FUCKING SPEECH, in what's supposed to be an ART-HOUSE THEATER, I expect people to be a little more behaved.

Not that they were constantly coming in and out, smoking pot, and fucking in the aisles. 

But FUCK these FUCKING SMART PHONES.

Two college-age chicks in the row ahead of me had to check their goddamn phones every 15 minutes.

Some broad who was 15, maybe 20 years older than me had her phone going off  in her purse every ten minutes until she finally turned it off. It wasn't ringing. It was buzzing. Like that's somehow okay.

BUZZ, BUZZ. BUZZ, BUZZ. Every 10 minutes. In THE KING'S FUCKING SPEECH.

When I go to a theater, I want to be immersed in the fucking movie. Apparently that makes me some kind of weirdo. Everyone else would rather watch the movie while they're on their FUCKING PHONE. Just like they do at home. Or when they're fucking DRIVING.

Here's what it looks like in a movie theater when you have your GODDAMN FUCKING SMART PHONE on, assholes:

There are some people who just don't care. They'll keep their phone on the whole fucking movie, and laugh at you if you say anything. You can't do anything about these people. I wish we could ship them all off to some island so they could fight it out with sticks and coconuts, but that's probably not in the cards.

But then there are the people who supposedly care, who at times at least claim to be aware that there are other people in the universe beside themselves. These people know they shouldn't be using their smartphone in a theater, but they also always have some goddamn excuse:

1. Your friends changed the meet-up place after the movie: You can check where to meet AFTER the movie, asshole. This is not pertinent information WHILE YOU'RE STILL WATCHING THE MOVIE.
2. Your mom has fallen, and she can't get up: Jesus Fucking Christ. Your mom can get one of those things to hang around her neck to call the ambulance when that happens. And come to think of it, if she can call you, why can't she call FUCKING 911?
3. Your kids have started a fire in the house: Your kids are that fucking dumb? Then stay the fuck home. What the hell are you doing in a movie theater when you have miscreant arsonist kids at home? And come to think of it, if they can call you, why can't they call FUCKING 911?
4. "I'm waiting for an important call! It's part of my job! I'm on call 24/7, and if I don't respond, I'll be fired!" Go fuck yourself. If you really have some miserable-ass fucking job that requires you take every fucking every call every minute of the day, then STAY THE FUCK HOME. It's not like they don't have movies there. You can go to the Red Box. You can order pay-per-view. Hell, Netflix will even put movies in YOUR FUCKING MAILBOX. Your fucking job doesn't entitle you to RUIN MY MOVIE EXPERIENCE.
5. "Justin Bieber was just on TV!!!": FUCK YOU!!!

Think about the MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of fucking people who somehow managed to sit through a fucking movie without a phone for the ENTIRE 20TH CENTURY. Sure, for a while, they could smoke instead. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT, YOU ASSHOLE.

I sat there thinking how the size of the screen to my eye was probably about the same as my 42-inch screen was to my eye from my couch at home. I have surround sound, and for the most part the experience is just as good at home, except that the popcorn I make at home doesn't have that little bit of crack or PCP in it that movie theater popcorn does to make it taste so good. 

But I'd rather go to the movie theater and have a shared experience.

A shared experience means laughing with everyone. Maybe getting a little choked up with everybody else in the theater, like when Spock died. Encouraging Rocky to kick Clubber Lang's ass. Sometimes it all goes wrong, like when I went to see Forrest Gump and all these adult, even middle-aged dudes were crying in the bathroom afterward and saying it was the best movie EVER, and I thought I must be having a nightmare or something, because that movie was a PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. But I digress. 

A shared experience does require tolerating your fellow humans a bit. They might have to walk past you to piss. They might fart. They might make a little crinkly-crinkly noise when they're opening their lozenges to keep from coughing through the movie. Not a big deal.

The flip side of tolerance for your fellow human, though, is showing some FUCKING RESPECT for your fellow human. What's that, you say? That it's kind of ironic that someone who calls people FUCKING ASSHOLES would be talking about respecting others? Well, here's the deal, fuckface: it's not ironic at all. You deserve respect up until the point that you demonstrate that you don't. And it's that point that you deserve a big loud FUCK YOU, rather than what most people do, which is sit around like a bunch of ninnies who don't want to "rock the boat."

So if you want respect, keep your fucking interruptions and distractions to a minimum when you're in a theater. If you gotta pee, fine, get up once, but if you're incontinent, wear some damn diapers or stay home. Don't kick the chair in front of you. If you have candy or lozenges, get it out the package and quit making crinkly-crinkly noises all movie long. If you can't quit coughing, LEAVE. For fuck's sake, SHUT THE FUCK UP. And TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING PHONE.