Dear Authors: You ain't better than NOBODY.

So Screedster hasn't felt like getting into this Amazon-Hachette thing, because there are already skilled people telling the Hachette supporters what naive fucking dipshits they are.

But then yesterday I came across this letter to Amazon from "Authors United" and signed by people like Richard Patterson, Amy Hempel, Richard Russo, and a lot of others who are carrying water for Hachette, which is a corporation that doesn't give the slightest shit about them any more than Amazon does.

I wasn't very far into into when I realized it was full of stupid goddamn statements, but it was only when I came across this paragraph that I blew my fucking top:

Amazon has every right to refuse to sell consumer goods in response to a pricing disagreement with a wholesaler. We all appreciate discounted razor blades and cheaper shoes. But books are not consumer goods. Books cannot be written more cheaply, nor can authors be outsourced to China. Books are not toasters or televisions. Each book is the unique, quirky creation of a lonely, intense, and often expensive struggle on the part of a single individual, a person whose living depends on that book finding readers. This is the process Amazon is obstructing.

Holy shit.  I couldn't believe they said that. I mean, I knew a lot of writers were entitled douchebags, but HOLY HOLY SHIT.

Richard Patterson, Amy Hempel, Richard Russo and all you other people who signed this letter: do you realize that REAL PEOPLE make those fucking razor blades and shoes and toasters and televisions?

That when the companies that make razor blades and shoes and toasters and televisions get in a dispute with Amazon, real people feel the pinch?

That when razor blade and shoe manufacturing are "outsourced to China," that real people lose their jobs?

Real people, by the way, who are no fucking worse for you just because they don't write books.

Real people, by the way, who are your goddamn AUDIENCE, who need money to buy YOUR fucking books.

But YOU should be exempt from the trials and tribulations that they face, because YOU write books. You are unique, and quirky, and lonely, and writing those books is often expensive, unlike those poor mindless drones who stand all day in the assembly line, derp derp derp.

Holy fucking Christ fuck.

If you were stuck in the mountains in the snow with people who made razor blades, shoes, toasters, and televisions, and you all realized you had to start eating each other in order to survive, your argument would be, "I must dine on ze flesh of ze common worker, because I am ze artiste!"

Fuck you. FUCK YOU.

I cannot fucking believe that the inheritors of Dickens's, Sinclair's, and Steinbeck's legacies would have the unmitigated gall to suggest that because you're a writer, you're somehow more important than other people.

You know what I wish? I wish each and every one of you never makes another penny writing, and you have to get jobs making razor blades, shoes, toasters, or televisions. Do that for five years, day after day, and then come back and tell me that fucking delicate genius authors ought to be treated differently from everyone else.

In the meantime, go fuck yourself.

Lauren Green, Dan Gainor, and All the Fucking Evil Retards Who Watch and Work At Fox News

I just watched Lauren Green's interview with Reza Aslan. Then I read Dan Gainor's defense of her. Then I went over to Amazon and looked at the "reviews" of Aslan's book.

And HOLY SHIT.

I guess the first thing I should say is that maybe Aslan was a damn idiot for going on that channel in the first place. I don't know what he was thinking.

Because everybody who works for that channel is a FUCKING EVIL RETARD. I don't really know a better way to put it. A FUCKING EVIL RETARD. And except for maybe some little old ladies who are actually really nice people but are scared and alone and are thus easy targets for the FUCKING EVIL RETARDS who work at Fox News, everyone who WATCHES Fox News is a FUCKING EVIL RETARD too.

First of all, Republican Christians love to write about Muslims. They love to write about Democrats. White people love to write about black people.

But when a Muslim writes about Christians, or a black person writes about whites, or a Democrat writes about Republicans, well then, WHOA, NELLY!!! THAT'S BIASED!!!

It's kind of like how these same asshole retards think of food: Chinese people eat Chinese food, Indians eat Indian food, and white people eat "normal" food.

Here's a clue for you FUCKING EVIL RETARDS. Everyone is biased. Muslims are biased. Black people are biased. Democrats are biased. AND SO ARE YOU, WHITEY.

That doesn't mean, however, that you can't write scholarly academic works about things that you're not. I mean, none of us are fucking ancient Romans, so then how the fuck, according to your bullshit ideas, could anyone write about ancient Rome without some agenda? You descended from Gauls or Britons or some shit like that, so obviously YOU MUST HATE ROME, according to your thinking.

That's bullshit. That's retarded.

Notice how the so-called geniuses who get on that channel touting their books about how the Muslims and blacks are GONNA GET YOU are never challenged on the basis of being Christian honkeys. If you're going to get down in Aslan's ass about being a Muslim, then shouldn't you work over the Christians who write about Muslims?

Of course not. Because Chinese people eat Chinese food, and whitey eats normal food.

Now your FUCKING EVIL RETARDS who watch Fox News may not know better, because they're DUMBER THAN A FUCKING BAG OF HAMMERS. But the FUCKING EVIL RETARDS who WORK AT Fox (well, most of them) definitely DO KNOW. And that's what makes them even MORE EVIL than the dummies who watch. The whole reason they get up in the morning is to fan the flames of hatred and ignorance.

Second of all, just because you believe in some bullshit hocus pocus with all your heart doesn't mean that it's true. In fact, I'm here to tell you that it's NOT true.

Jesus did not die on the cross and come back to life.

Jesus did not bring other people back from the dead.

Jesus did not turn the water into wine, or walk on the water, or any of that other bullshit.

Also, Mohammed didn't do any of the magical horseshit people say he did. That rock in Mecca that everyone runs around 10 times or whatever is just some dumb meteorite.

And Moses didn't go up on any fucking mountain and talk to fucking God and get some rocks from him with shit written on them.

NONE OF THAT STUFF REALLY HAPPENED.

It's fine with me if you want to believe it. I don't care. Be a dumbass. BUT LEAVE OTHER PEOPLE THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT THE BULLSHIT MAGICAL SHIT YOU BELIEVE.

I got nothing else to say, other than FUCK YOU.

Hugh Howey and the Fucking Online PC Taliban

So this Hugh Howey author dude writes a post about how this woman annoyed him at a conference. In the post he called her a bitch, and the whole Internet went nuts condemning him for it.

Jesus Christ, you people are worse than a bunch of fucking Southern Baptists.

You're worse than the fucking Puritans. I'll bet half of you were busy making scarlet letters to make Howey wear around his goddamn neck.

It was like the Internet had turned into my mom. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. TSK, TSK. TSK TSK.

GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

Save your outrage for people who want to feed the Jews into ovens and shit like that. Your TSK, TSKING is fucking appalling.

He didn't name the woman. How do you know she wasn't a bitch? She sure sounded like a bitch. But OH NO, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD, say the motherfucking word police. Christ, it's like the people who  say "she passed" instead of "she died." YO, SHE DEAD, BITCHES.

"Bitch" is so NOT like the N word. It's not a racial slur. It's behavior-based. Yeah, it tends to be applied to women, but not always. For instance, you're all my motherfucking bitches for your ridiculous behavior, whether you're a dude or lady or whateverz. Dickhead is usually a term for the dudes. So is prick. We're really going to get into whether one word is worse than the other? WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP USING THAT FILTHY LANGUAGE ALTOGETHER? Hey, fuck you, Mom!

There are lot of bitches in the world. A lot of bastards too. A lot of shitasses, a lot of motherfuckers, a lot of cocksuckers. Oh no, can I not say "cocksucker" anymore? That offends the lads and ladies who like to suck cock? What about the people who really like assholes? What about the people who like to fuck their moms? Don't they have feelings too?

The worst thing is, YOU motherfuckers like to go around telling other people how they're small-minded and intolerant. Usually, those people ARE small-minded and intolerant, and they need to stop fucking being that way, or at least leave other people the hell alone.  "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE BAD WORDS OR THOSE BOOBIES ON TV, YOU CAN JUST TURN IT OFF. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SCAT PORN, DON'T CLICK THAT LINK." Isn't that what you say?

So where do you get off turning into the goddamn language police? NO, NO, SAY DOUBLE PLUS UNGOOD PERSON. You really want a world where people eat turds live on the Internet, but no one can call a bitch a bitch?

THAT'S DIFFERENT. EATING TURDS LIVE ON THE INTERNET DOESN'T HURT ANYONE. BUT THAT NAME HURT THAT WOMAN.

Oh. So it was hurtful. Does that mean that not only could he not call her a bitch, but he should have avoided any kind of account that might have upset that woman in the least little way? Is that really what you're saying?

The fucking outrage was so bad Howey even took down his post. So congratulations! Your PC crowdsourced filtering accomplished its mission. And what was even more appalling were the comments on his apology. YOU SOUND SINCERE, BUT WE'RE WATCHING YOU FROM NOW ON.

Fuck.

And also, shit. Bitch. Bastard. Goddamn. Cock. Cunt. Motherfucker. Cockass. Shitass. Dickhead. Jesus H Fucking Christ.

Oh, and FUCK YOU.

Pope Benedict, Boy Scouts deserve the same rage you have for Paterno and Penn State

Look, this Penn State makes me sick. But a lot of you people foaming at the mouth are a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

I hope this Sandusky guy goes to prison and some real sickos in there skin him alive or something. Cut him up piece by piece, maybe make him eat himself like the way Hannibal did to that guy in that fucking godawful Silence of the Lambs sequel. I hope everybody else involved with this gets what they deserve. People are right to be sick and enraged at how this was allowed to occur.

But how many of you fuckers with pitchforks and torches are Catholic?

Here's what I've been seeing all day:

"How could JoePa/that grad ass/other PSU people see/hear about something like this and not go to the police?"

Well, ask Joseph Fucking Ratzinger and a bunch of those other fuckers with funny hats.

Your goddamn "infallible" pope did the EXACT SAME THING that Joe Paterno and these other Penn State officials did. And it wasn't just one perv he covered up for, either--it was THOUSANDS of pervs. Yeah, I know he said he was sorry (like Joe Paterno) and made it so that child sex abuse was an automatic ticket to hell, but his involvement in obstructing justice is well documented.

So if you're all angry and frothing and shit about Penn State, and then you go to fucking Catholic Church on Sunday and genuflect and make the sign of the cross and all that shit, then you're a goddamn hypocrite. And frankly, when it comes down to it, I don't know if you're much better than Joe Paterno, because you've allowed these church officials who obstructed justice to remain in place. CHILD RAPE ENABLERS RUN YOUR CHURCH.

Don't feed me that shit about the Church is sacred and the people flawed. What a load of horseshit. Get that flawed fucker out of the Vatican and put in someone a little less flawed--someone who, I don't know, didn't keep information about child rape from law enforcement. I mean, Christ, that's a no-brainer. And yet there he is, Pope Benedict, saying Midnight Mass and making you kiss his fucking ring.

And it isn't just Catholics. Too many other people, Protestant or Jewish or whatever think Pope Benedict deserves respect. He doesn't. Not any more than those Penn State officials. If the number of offenses matter, he deserves even less. Whatever hell you have reserved for them, he should be there too.

What's more, everyone ought to demand that the Boy Scouts of America be run out of every school and place they meet until they make public documents that chronicle thousands of molestation incidents over decades. Just like the goddamn Catholic Church, the goddamn Boy Scouts of America have no business making moral pronouncements about a fucking thing.

You are ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHT to be pissed off about what happened at Penn State. But there are a lot of other people out there who did the exact same thing, and they deserve your fucking rage as well.

Shut the fuck up, seatwarmers

So if you get to eat bologna instead of digging in the fucking dirt for a grain of rice, you don't have a right to protest?

As long as you can find one person in the world who has it worse than you, you should be thankful and shut up?

FUCK YOU.

Let me explain something to you, you piece of shit.

Those goddamn motherfucking oligarchs on Wall Street built a ponzi scheme with the economy, and when it all came crashing down, WE all bailed them out to the tune of TRILLIONS and TRILLIONS of dollars. They whined and bitched at the slightest hint of reducing their salaries, and their butt boys in Congress dutifully backed them up.

In the meantime, while stock brokers kept piling up the bonuses, auto workers took huge paycuts.

State workers and teachers took huge paycuts.

A ton of other people just got laid off. Or lost their homes. Or got laid off AND lost their homes.

And now the Republican butt boys are set to gut Medicare and Social Security so these criminal oligarch fucks can keep the party rolling along for themselves. Everyone has to sacrifice--except the highest earners.

But the Occupy Wall Street people are just spoiled, you say. No one is supposed to mind, no one is supposed to say anything, so long as you're scraping by and still breathing.

When we're reduced to living like the Somalians, or black Sudanese, or Bangladeshi, or North Koreans, THEN we can bitch, huh?

FUCK YOU. EAT SHIT AND DIE.

Get over yourselves, writer douchebags.

So you're a writer.

We'll, whoop-te-fucking-do.

I know, I know. Nobody understands you. And you feel things so much more deeply than everyone else. You're always daydreaming, always thinking up your next story.

Unlike the person at the cash register. Unlike the guy working on your car. Unlike the person teaching your kids.

You're special.

The fuck you are.

You might have a skill that some other people don't. You know what? They have their own skills. I don't know why you think your skills are so superior. Because you're in such demand? The fuck you are. If you're Stephen King, your skills are in demand. Otherwise, your shit is going to end up in one of those discount book stores in those sad little outlet malls on the side of the interstate, right next to the Nike outlet. And the Nike outlet will be selling a lot more socks than the bookstore will be of your book, even if your book is 3-4 dollars less than the socks. And that's if you're lucky.

I don't know how we got on this kick about writers being rock stars. You know who are rock stars? Rock stars.

I think some of it is leftover from the days when people actually gave a shit when a book came out. People used to line up to get the latest Hemingway, back when people didn't have TV and X-Box. Now it's news when three people publish a book: Stephen King, Dan Brown, and J.K. Rowling. Oh, and rock stars.

Maybe some of it is because of the Internet, where you can now be in a big circle jerk with other writers and pretend that no one in the world gives a shit about anything or anyone but writing and writers.

And even if you are in demand, how much are you making on your book? Five grand? Holy shit, you'd be doing better at Wal-Mart. I've seen some shit from people who've been on the New York Times bestseller list, who've made a lot more than five grand on their book, but after all their expenses they're still left with maybe 20 grand, if they're lucky. That's sad, dude. That's barely scraping by.

But you resent the hell out of that, don't you? In your world, you'd be paid what your writing is worth. Well, here's the deal, smart guy: you're getting paid what your writing is worth right now. You can bitch all you want about how your werewolf book is worth more than $.99 on Kindle. Go ahead: bitch. You know who ain't bitching? Your auto mechanic. You want your fucking car fixed, you'll pay what he asks. Or get the fuck out of his shop.

And please don't give me that shit about mankind's eternal thirst for narrative. Mankind may have a thirst, but there are a million watering holes just like yours. There's no shortage of material for thirst-quenching.

Oh, but wait. You don't care about recompense. No, you are ze fucking artiste! You suffer for your goddamn werewolf romance Art. Well, good for you! Now take your head out of your ass.

I'm serious. You have your head so far up your ass you can't write about anything other than the inside of your own rectum. You're so in love with the idea of yourself as a writer that you can't write about anything that anyone gives a shit about. I mean, who cares about you? You sit around in front of a computer all day. That's boring as shit to read about. Other people actually do stuff. Step outside yourself, quit worrying about being Mr. Fancy Writer Cockass, and write about them. If you really have skills, congratulations. Now shut up and put your skills to use. Be a voice for the voiceless. You remember Barton Fink, right? That's you. The guy next door has some good stories. He has something in the box. You don't have shit.

Get your fat ass up those stairs.

I don't know about where you are, but where I am, there are fat people everywhere.

I ain't talking about just overweight. It's true we have body image problems in this country. If you haven't figured it out yet, you can't look like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model without being on the Cigarette & Tic Tac Diet and having some geek Photoshop 20 more pounds off you. We have a very fucked-up view about what's actually normal.

No, I'm talking about fucking whales. I'm talking about brontosauruses. You think the brontosaurus never existed? Come take a look around where I live. These are people who are running up the price of cotton worldwide because we can't grow enough to make clothes to cover their obscene fatness.

Look, I'm no doctor. I'm sure that in some cases medical conditions are responsible for people having a two-foot-deep exoskeleton of blubber. But I'm also pretty sure that some people have that because they're stuffing their pieholes with Ding Dongs while watching Jersey Shore.

Fat is not a lifestyle. That kind of fat is unhealthy. It's gross. I shouldn't have to accommodate your fatness. I was in a Mexican restaurant recently, and a woman was so fat she had to squeeze to get through the very generous entrance to the restrooms. She's probably the kind who would think about suing the owner so he would make a bigger entrance. Pretty soon they'll be petitioning Congress to pass The People Who Are Fucking Fatasses Act, and make everyone build doors that are five feet wider.

I'm glad people get kicked off planes for being too fat. It should happen more often. I shouldn't have to deal with your blubber spilling over into my seat. I don't see how that's your right. You should get your ass off the plane, and fucking walk. Walk 500 miles, and you might have lost enough to fly on the way back.

But maybe the thing that really gets me are stairs. Look, I know some people have disabilities that are no fault of their own. I know some people are 90 years old. But everyone else can climb one fucking flight of stairs. I'm guessing they could climb three or four. But one is definitely possible.

And yet perfectly healthy people, people who are not yet fat but will be, can't be bothered to climb a single fucking flight of stairs. I'm pretty sure some of them think they're important. Stairs are for proles, or some shit like that. But others are just fucking lazy.

So here's my suggestion of the day: get your fucking ass up those stairs. Do it today, and tomorrow it will get easier. In fact you might even start enjoying it. A few flights of stairs isn't going to kill your knees. It'll help your heart. It'll burn a few calories. It'll buy you a little time. In the meantime, those assholes who have to take the elevator up one flight, who are stuffing their faces with a cupcake as they drag their big butts on the elevator to go up one flight, will pack on the pounds day after day, day after day, until they can barely walk, and some of them will even qualify for those scooter things, and their insurance will fucking pay for it too, all because they're fucking fatties, and you might just live long enough to see some of them floating around on those flying fat-seat things in Wall-E. But I guarantee that if you keep going up those stairs, you'll see those whales drop off one by one, one by one. Your ticker can't take that much grease, man. It just can't. You'll survive. They won't.